Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dec. 15th, 2000

Dear God,

     I don't exactly, well I want to know what you're doing in my life. what are You doing?  Am I suppose to do what I feel You're saying?  Why?  Is it what needs to be done?  is this going to happen the rest of my life?  Please give me some answers.

                                                                                       In Jesus' name Amen.

Things I feel God wants me to do:

-Give away lots of things dear to me
-sell my camera, get rid of somehow
-get rid of my photos through burning (why? God)

      When i was wondering about some of the above, God gave me the devotional from "My Utmost For his Highest" [Oswald Chambers] from Dec. 14th

The Great Life

     Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God,  but it is we who are in the wrong, not God; there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go... As long as we try to serve two ends, ourselves and God, there is perplexity.  The attitude must be one of complete reliance on God.  When once we get there, there is nothing easier than living the saintly life... Whenever you obey God, His seal is always that of peace, the witness of an unfathomable peace, which is not natural, but the peace of Jesus.  Whenever peace does not come, tarry till it does or find out the reason why it does not.  If you are acting on an impulse, or from a sense of the heroic, the peace of Jesus will not witness...
     My questions come whenever I cease to obey.  When I have obeyed God, the problems never come between me and God... any problem, and there are many, that is alongside me while I obey God, increases my ecstatic delight, because I know that my Father knows and i am going to watch and see how He unravels this thing.

     It was amazing how God gave me this, but my flesh hates what God is calling for.  [Oh my word did I really write that?  I was trying sooo hard. I was sooo uptight :(  I was wrong. Like missing it... not understanding God.  Yuck!  I feel kinda sad about it.  I strived sooo hard to do what I thought God wanted.]

     If God is asking you to give something to Him, whether is be smoking, a way of life, a person, whatever He's asking for, it is because He wants to give You something better. Maybe simplicity of Life, peace, a revealing of his spirit and presence, a deeper relationship with Him... He knows what is best and what you need most.  Just trust Him and put what He is asking for into his nail scarred, gentle, loving hands. TRUST HIM EVEN WHEN IT HURTS... TRUST HIM IT'S THE ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO!

Mon. Dec. 11th, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel ugh, *sigh*... Please help Mrs. M- to come up and talk to me!  I don't want to call her. Please God.  

                                                                                 In Jesus' name Amen

Dear God,

     I feel better :)  I talked to Dad, not much about the above mentioned but about another fear and stuff.  You're so understanding through the people you put in our lives.  One thing you did for me tonight is for me to get back in my room exactly 10 min.  past curfew-and i got a 10 min. extension. Thanx :) 

                                                                   Love ya, Good night... In Jesus' name Amen. 


Sun. Dec. 10th, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel really scared... kinda and sorta sick.  Kinda like when I was going to go to Russia and I was afraid I was going to die.  Please help me tonight.  Cause the fear to go... Am i not suppose to read the guideposts for teens... help me to get to sleep Jesus, I love You.  Please give me peace.

                                                                         In Jesus' name amen :)
                                                                              Marie :) 

Monday, July 15, 2013


     I am now entering a very painful uncomfortable part in my journal. Those of you who can't relate to legalism may think what I wrote in my journal is ridiculous and stupid.  You have to understand legalism. It is sooo focused on small details in a persons life that they are suppose to "Yield to God" and have victory over.  It can be hard to have balance in a legalistic culture.  

     I was reading ahead in my journal, past this last journal entry and it actually made me feel kinda sick.  I was a mess :(  it's painful to go back there to my past.  I really struggled with "stupid" uptight stuff in bible study. It was PAINFUL!  I remember telling the Holy Spirit "If this is You, I don't want anything to do with you."  In many ways my past still effects me.  Legalism crippled me... and it still tethers me.

     And I wonder why it is hard for me to hear from God.  God still feels legalistic to me. Even though I have experienced His love.... and deep deep inside I know him.  But I am still confused... I still do not see him clearly.  His face has been marred and monsterfied by my past and my perspective shaped by legalism and fear.  

     I am afraid to hear from Him, even now.  Can you see why?

Dec. 9th, 2000

Dear God,

     What's going on? Please answer so I know without a doubt it's You!  Am I suppose to not wear my cool green khaki skirt anymore? Am I not suppose to wear or keep the velvet dress I got...I don't feel like I want that anyways.  What are You doing!  I feel I've been in turmoil because of my dress... makeup etc... Jesus please help me so that it's easier.  Is it really You? talking?  I feel it is.  Why? Please tell me.  

                                                                                          In Jesus name Amen.

Hebrews 2:1

     "Therefore we must give the more earnest heed to the things we have heard, lest we drift away."

v. 13  "... Here am I and the children whom God has given to Me."

v. 18 "...for in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, he is able to aid those who are tempted."

     Thank you Jesus for verse one.

     Is that true God... must be.  Kinda scary. What would I drift away from?  Kingdom teachings huh?  God it's hard cus dad's in the middle and Mr. M's all the way Kingdom and Melody's all the way non-Kingdom. Please make Dad all the way Kingdom.  Please!  It seems you're purifying me. It's hard!  Please give me a peace about it! Teach me to sit in You Jesus... please!

     God what are You doing in my life?  What are You preparing me for?  Help me to obey!  It's HARD!  When it's totally different than the way I am!  

     Help me to know when You are talking.  Please! Sometimes I think You've said something Holy Spirit and it didn't' line up.  Once I felt not to take a shower... I did anyways and I had plenty of time.

     Help listening to and obeying your voice not to be in bondage... It seems it is to me. Probably my questions/timings don't help at all.  I do love You Jesus.  You're pulling me away from what I hold dear.  It's hard, please be with me!  

                                                                                                 In Jesus' name Amen!

Nov. 29th, 2000

Dear God,

    "I'm home," back at F---d anyways. I feel sad. Good night. I love You.  Keep the fear away.

                                                                 In Jesus' name, Amen

Proverbs 4:10-13

     "Hear my son and receive my sayings and the years of your life will be many.  I have taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble.  Take firm hold of Instruction, do not let go; keep her for she is your life.

v. 25, 26
     "Let your eyes looks straight ahead and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet and let your ways be established."

     Give me your virgin heart.


     Honestly these blog posts are not easy to write.  It's kinda painful to read back through and type out my life.  I have struggled so much with legalism. Being under the weight of it.  Not being free to feel God's love.  

I don't know if any of you have been in legalism, but for someone like me, I'm a sensitive "right brained" individual, I am detailed and conscientious. I take things seriously and literally. So being in a legalistic environment, being "brain washed" to the core of my being in this has actually really hurt me.  My biggest weakness is fear but it's absolutely tied in with legalism.  

I am walking out of this mindset, this sub culture.  I am dealing with it and seeking help.  I have honestly been a christian that is not too happy with her Christianity because it hasn't brought me a lot of joy.  I have had moments of when I love God and I feel it. When there is joy and hope.... but I have honestly been "rooted" in fear more than in love, like the Bible says we should be.  

With God's help and the help of others I am learning that I am in a "box" and that I want to be out of it... sometimes I am out of it.  That box is called legalism.  

Christianity is simply this.  Jesus died for my sins so that I can walk in His love and be with him in heaven someday and see him face to face. Be careful if anyone or even yourself adds more to that.  It is NOT about us working our freakin' way to Him but that we are His because of what HE did.  

Enough said.  

Saturday, July 6, 2013


     I'm here on the couch with my feet up in a loose rendition of Indian style.  I'm sitting next to K- (a friend of Fairwood.)  Matt's on the computer downloading stuff for his "SIM" house. "Sims" are his "paper dolls."  I'm tired.  It's 12:45 around. My eyes are dry, my feet are cold...I'm tired.

     This is one of the last days of break for me.  Dear God, I'm kinda not lookin' forward to Fairwood.  But I know it will be fun.  I feel moody God.  I've been in a bad mood while I've been down here.  Please make it so I'm happier the rest of the time here and Christmas.  I wish I was different God.  Not scared and immature.  I have growing up to do.  I love You God... Thank You for blessing me. I believe You'll help me to grow up and Fairwood will probably help me to grow up.

                                                                                                In Jesus' name Amen.

     It's like I started my relationship with God since I moved down to Va. and He'll help me to grow at Fairwood.

P.S. Help me to learn to love Krista and Mom, Jesus.  I want to get closer to them.

     I'm kinda weird :)  I write to God than I journal.  :)  When we go back it will be December and sometime we'll start to Angel and earthling thing.  My Angel - I mean my earthling is K-she doesn't know that as far as I know :)  I had bought her a frame and a day later we were back at the same store and I looked at the frames with her and asked her about this certain frame and she didn't exactly like it... so I bought 2 cheaper frames... at least she didn't get one that she didn't like.

     On Friday night Leann and Jessie came over for the night.  It was a bummer because we watched two movies while they were here. I wish we hadn't.  Maybe I'll get together with them at Christmas.

                                                                                                  Good Night!

Nov. 27th, 2000

Dear God,

     I love You :) :), I feel in a better mood than I was.  Thanx.  My music helped.  God I feel bad about keeping on writing about getting closer to You and not spending a lot of time with You.

     I love You.  I could spend time in Your word right now but I don't want to go to bed-my room yet... Plus I don't feel I'd get alot out of it, but I bet I might.  I'm afraid that You won't talk to me. I feel I'm going through a dry period.  I feel scared and kinda like I don't have purpose (I know I do, I must) now, because it seems You're coming back soon for rapture.  If I have fulfilled the ministry that You've given me- I bet my purpose is to become like Jesus.  I want to love with geniune love. Please teach me Jesus, in your name.  I'm not a very Christian person.  So many areas I don't meet the standards. I don't really know how to get there... (kinda...) I know that I just trust You,  but maybe more I don't know how to trust... You... maybe I do more than I realize.  Maybe I don't.

     God I'd like to get married.  Please draw my heart. In Jesus' name. Amen.


Thursday Nov. 23, 2000

Dear God,

     What are Your highest standards for me?  Am I called to stay pretty much from make-up?  Maybe I will talk to Mrs. M- about it.  My Dad thinks it's ok to wear, for me.  I'm not so sure.  It's made an impression on me that K- is going to get rid of her earrings- I guess I won't get earrings, for now...

    I'd feel like I would compromise if I got earrings. I won't  get earrings.  I feel that You don't want me to wear the nail polish I'm wearing on my nails.  Please lead me and help me not to be overly conscientious.

     I think I want to be a "kingdom person."  Lead me Jesus.  am I called to be an Evangelist?  Please confirm it.  I know I'm called, but I have doubts.  What do You want me to do this summer?  I'd like to go on a mission trip to Russia with Youth With a Mission, or I could go to Indianapolis and help out at the Russian Orphanage or stay home and help my mom with the Foster care kid stuff.  Or maybe You have something else in mind.  Thy will be done.

     Good night God, I love You, guys (is that too human?) okay I love You :)

                                                                                     In Jesus name Amen. :)

Tuesday Nov. 21, 2000

At home in Virginia

Dear God,

     Here I am. Tired, blue and questioning.  I got inspired to journal this evening from a guidepost article.  What's wrong with me right now?  Am I pmsing?  I think I may be.  K- and I went shopping today.  Am I suppose to pray about everything I might buy?  I don't like getting "overly conscientious" and sometimes I'd say my conscientiousness is good.

     Know what?  I'd like to go on the mission trip to Russia through YWAM this summer. God what are your plans for my life?  How much am I suppose to follow of Bible School teaching... and history?  In the older days Mr. Sandford or at least the movement as a whole was against wearing make-up 'cause it was worldly.  What am I suppose to do? I come home (here) and feel more relaxed about it though.  I wish I was happier and more "chatty" but I'm not very cheerful, I'm more kinda gloomy.  K-'s here and I'm kinda uptight around her.  I want to learn how to love people, but I think I want to learn through visible example, not finding out myself or thinking ways up myself how to do it.

     Since going to Bible School You seem different to me, more austere and stuff. How much is real and applicable today?  I'm ready for another class in a way.  I think I'm happier Fairwood than at home, I don't get tons of joy being around myself and helping myself.  I do enjoy it sometimes :)  but like I feel like I get into apathy and dependence and lazy spirit when I'm at home.  I don't even have much desire to help.  If I did more to help I'd probably be happier.  I like living a luxious life but I think I'd be happier in doing more.

     I like the way that Fairwood standards seem more clearcut and further away from the world's standards, but the more relaxed, lower standard is more to my taste.  I feel like I need to talk to dad about this.  I get confused.  What is it You want from me?  The Best there is.

     I think I may go to bed soon. I love You, Jesus, good night... In Jesus' name amen.