Friday, December 6, 2013


This post is not from my journal but an update of sorts on my journey out of legalism.

I recently answered a question for someone, they asked me to describe my spirituality.  I have not "arrived" yet. I'm still seeking and growing... adjusting to newer/better/healthier ways to see God and myself.

This is what I wrote in response to the question.  I thought it was a good snippet of where I am right now.

  "I grew up really legalistic. So I've actually been working through that. I want a relationship with god that doesn't have so many unhealthy boundaries if that makes sense.  Not saying that I'm throwing God's ways away but there was such a focus on "being good" that I need God to renew my mind to live in His love and res.  I was saved when I was really young, 5 or 6.  When I was in my later 20's I had a special experience where God was starting a process of healing me from the legalism. I told God, "this is the first time I've felt saved."  Being a follower of Jesus has been a journey... and recently God has been removing layers of legalism from me.  It's hard to be taught one way, good people told me a wrong perspective/way to live... the focus was way off. I needed to be grounded and established in Jesus' love instead of such a focus on "be good." I'm a recovering legalist :P

It's a journey a, process, a slow peeling of the onion... I guess I'm the onion and as the layers are cut, prepared to be pulled away sometimes it brings tears... and it's stinky stuff that Satan and others laid on me that has to go.  It's been a slow process. I feel like the process started in 2008.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dec. 17th, 2000

2 Peter 2:8

     "For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren or unfruitful in the knowledge of Christ."

faith (to) virtue (to) knowledge (to) self control-perseverance (to) godliness (to) brotherly kindness (to) love....(to) v. 8

Dear God,

     Dad thinks some of the stuff I've felt You've wanted me to do was cultish-like getting rid of my pictures by burning them and by selling my camera. I do want to stay in Your will. But it seems I need balance.  god please help me to be led down the path You want me to go.  Give Dad the wisdom he needs to guide me, in Jesus' name! Help Dad to be led in the way he guides me so that i follow you totally.  I trust You to give Dad wisdom in helping me.

     What I've been feeling... has been awful!  I know I need to be more free with my stuff... giving is part of being Christ-like.

     Help me to learn to hear the Holy Spirit. I feel i don't want to because it's been so awful what I've felt He wanted me to do.  I acknowledge You in this-I trust You to guide me.

     Make me ready... lead me through the right people... help it to be balanced and truly from You!

     Good night Jesus... I want to know You more...

                                                                                            In Jesus' name

                                                                                                 Marie P.

Dec. 16th, 2000

     The devotional was about "wrestling Before God" today. We're suppose to wrestle in prayer and with things before God. Hmm...

1 Peter 1:7

     "that the genuineness of your faith being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ..."
v. 14  "as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts... v. 15 but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct...v. 16  Be holy for I am holy."
v. 22  "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit..."

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dec. 15th, 2000

Dear God,

     I don't exactly, well I want to know what you're doing in my life. what are You doing?  Am I suppose to do what I feel You're saying?  Why?  Is it what needs to be done?  is this going to happen the rest of my life?  Please give me some answers.

                                                                                       In Jesus' name Amen.

Things I feel God wants me to do:

-Give away lots of things dear to me
-sell my camera, get rid of somehow
-get rid of my photos through burning (why? God)

      When i was wondering about some of the above, God gave me the devotional from "My Utmost For his Highest" [Oswald Chambers] from Dec. 14th

The Great Life

     Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God,  but it is we who are in the wrong, not God; there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go... As long as we try to serve two ends, ourselves and God, there is perplexity.  The attitude must be one of complete reliance on God.  When once we get there, there is nothing easier than living the saintly life... Whenever you obey God, His seal is always that of peace, the witness of an unfathomable peace, which is not natural, but the peace of Jesus.  Whenever peace does not come, tarry till it does or find out the reason why it does not.  If you are acting on an impulse, or from a sense of the heroic, the peace of Jesus will not witness...
     My questions come whenever I cease to obey.  When I have obeyed God, the problems never come between me and God... any problem, and there are many, that is alongside me while I obey God, increases my ecstatic delight, because I know that my Father knows and i am going to watch and see how He unravels this thing.

     It was amazing how God gave me this, but my flesh hates what God is calling for.  [Oh my word did I really write that?  I was trying sooo hard. I was sooo uptight :(  I was wrong. Like missing it... not understanding God.  Yuck!  I feel kinda sad about it.  I strived sooo hard to do what I thought God wanted.]

     If God is asking you to give something to Him, whether is be smoking, a way of life, a person, whatever He's asking for, it is because He wants to give You something better. Maybe simplicity of Life, peace, a revealing of his spirit and presence, a deeper relationship with Him... He knows what is best and what you need most.  Just trust Him and put what He is asking for into his nail scarred, gentle, loving hands. TRUST HIM EVEN WHEN IT HURTS... TRUST HIM IT'S THE ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO!

Mon. Dec. 11th, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel ugh, *sigh*... Please help Mrs. M- to come up and talk to me!  I don't want to call her. Please God.  

                                                                                 In Jesus' name Amen

Dear God,

     I feel better :)  I talked to Dad, not much about the above mentioned but about another fear and stuff.  You're so understanding through the people you put in our lives.  One thing you did for me tonight is for me to get back in my room exactly 10 min.  past curfew-and i got a 10 min. extension. Thanx :) 

                                                                   Love ya, Good night... In Jesus' name Amen. 


Sun. Dec. 10th, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel really scared... kinda and sorta sick.  Kinda like when I was going to go to Russia and I was afraid I was going to die.  Please help me tonight.  Cause the fear to go... Am i not suppose to read the guideposts for teens... help me to get to sleep Jesus, I love You.  Please give me peace.

                                                                         In Jesus' name amen :)
                                                                              Marie :) 

Monday, July 15, 2013


     I am now entering a very painful uncomfortable part in my journal. Those of you who can't relate to legalism may think what I wrote in my journal is ridiculous and stupid.  You have to understand legalism. It is sooo focused on small details in a persons life that they are suppose to "Yield to God" and have victory over.  It can be hard to have balance in a legalistic culture.  

     I was reading ahead in my journal, past this last journal entry and it actually made me feel kinda sick.  I was a mess :(  it's painful to go back there to my past.  I really struggled with "stupid" uptight stuff in bible study. It was PAINFUL!  I remember telling the Holy Spirit "If this is You, I don't want anything to do with you."  In many ways my past still effects me.  Legalism crippled me... and it still tethers me.

     And I wonder why it is hard for me to hear from God.  God still feels legalistic to me. Even though I have experienced His love.... and deep deep inside I know him.  But I am still confused... I still do not see him clearly.  His face has been marred and monsterfied by my past and my perspective shaped by legalism and fear.  

     I am afraid to hear from Him, even now.  Can you see why?

Dec. 9th, 2000

Dear God,

     What's going on? Please answer so I know without a doubt it's You!  Am I suppose to not wear my cool green khaki skirt anymore? Am I not suppose to wear or keep the velvet dress I got...I don't feel like I want that anyways.  What are You doing!  I feel I've been in turmoil because of my dress... makeup etc... Jesus please help me so that it's easier.  Is it really You? talking?  I feel it is.  Why? Please tell me.  

                                                                                          In Jesus name Amen.

Hebrews 2:1

     "Therefore we must give the more earnest heed to the things we have heard, lest we drift away."

v. 13  "... Here am I and the children whom God has given to Me."

v. 18 "...for in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, he is able to aid those who are tempted."

     Thank you Jesus for verse one.

     Is that true God... must be.  Kinda scary. What would I drift away from?  Kingdom teachings huh?  God it's hard cus dad's in the middle and Mr. M's all the way Kingdom and Melody's all the way non-Kingdom. Please make Dad all the way Kingdom.  Please!  It seems you're purifying me. It's hard!  Please give me a peace about it! Teach me to sit in You Jesus... please!

     God what are You doing in my life?  What are You preparing me for?  Help me to obey!  It's HARD!  When it's totally different than the way I am!  

     Help me to know when You are talking.  Please! Sometimes I think You've said something Holy Spirit and it didn't' line up.  Once I felt not to take a shower... I did anyways and I had plenty of time.

     Help listening to and obeying your voice not to be in bondage... It seems it is to me. Probably my questions/timings don't help at all.  I do love You Jesus.  You're pulling me away from what I hold dear.  It's hard, please be with me!  

                                                                                                 In Jesus' name Amen!

Nov. 29th, 2000

Dear God,

    "I'm home," back at F---d anyways. I feel sad. Good night. I love You.  Keep the fear away.

                                                                 In Jesus' name, Amen

Proverbs 4:10-13

     "Hear my son and receive my sayings and the years of your life will be many.  I have taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble.  Take firm hold of Instruction, do not let go; keep her for she is your life.

v. 25, 26
     "Let your eyes looks straight ahead and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet and let your ways be established."

     Give me your virgin heart.


     Honestly these blog posts are not easy to write.  It's kinda painful to read back through and type out my life.  I have struggled so much with legalism. Being under the weight of it.  Not being free to feel God's love.  

I don't know if any of you have been in legalism, but for someone like me, I'm a sensitive "right brained" individual, I am detailed and conscientious. I take things seriously and literally. So being in a legalistic environment, being "brain washed" to the core of my being in this has actually really hurt me.  My biggest weakness is fear but it's absolutely tied in with legalism.  

I am walking out of this mindset, this sub culture.  I am dealing with it and seeking help.  I have honestly been a christian that is not too happy with her Christianity because it hasn't brought me a lot of joy.  I have had moments of when I love God and I feel it. When there is joy and hope.... but I have honestly been "rooted" in fear more than in love, like the Bible says we should be.  

With God's help and the help of others I am learning that I am in a "box" and that I want to be out of it... sometimes I am out of it.  That box is called legalism.  

Christianity is simply this.  Jesus died for my sins so that I can walk in His love and be with him in heaven someday and see him face to face. Be careful if anyone or even yourself adds more to that.  It is NOT about us working our freakin' way to Him but that we are His because of what HE did.  

Enough said.  

Saturday, July 6, 2013


     I'm here on the couch with my feet up in a loose rendition of Indian style.  I'm sitting next to K- (a friend of Fairwood.)  Matt's on the computer downloading stuff for his "SIM" house. "Sims" are his "paper dolls."  I'm tired.  It's 12:45 around. My eyes are dry, my feet are cold...I'm tired.

     This is one of the last days of break for me.  Dear God, I'm kinda not lookin' forward to Fairwood.  But I know it will be fun.  I feel moody God.  I've been in a bad mood while I've been down here.  Please make it so I'm happier the rest of the time here and Christmas.  I wish I was different God.  Not scared and immature.  I have growing up to do.  I love You God... Thank You for blessing me. I believe You'll help me to grow up and Fairwood will probably help me to grow up.

                                                                                                In Jesus' name Amen.

     It's like I started my relationship with God since I moved down to Va. and He'll help me to grow at Fairwood.

P.S. Help me to learn to love Krista and Mom, Jesus.  I want to get closer to them.

     I'm kinda weird :)  I write to God than I journal.  :)  When we go back it will be December and sometime we'll start to Angel and earthling thing.  My Angel - I mean my earthling is K-she doesn't know that as far as I know :)  I had bought her a frame and a day later we were back at the same store and I looked at the frames with her and asked her about this certain frame and she didn't exactly like it... so I bought 2 cheaper frames... at least she didn't get one that she didn't like.

     On Friday night Leann and Jessie came over for the night.  It was a bummer because we watched two movies while they were here. I wish we hadn't.  Maybe I'll get together with them at Christmas.

                                                                                                  Good Night!

Nov. 27th, 2000

Dear God,

     I love You :) :), I feel in a better mood than I was.  Thanx.  My music helped.  God I feel bad about keeping on writing about getting closer to You and not spending a lot of time with You.

     I love You.  I could spend time in Your word right now but I don't want to go to bed-my room yet... Plus I don't feel I'd get alot out of it, but I bet I might.  I'm afraid that You won't talk to me. I feel I'm going through a dry period.  I feel scared and kinda like I don't have purpose (I know I do, I must) now, because it seems You're coming back soon for rapture.  If I have fulfilled the ministry that You've given me- I bet my purpose is to become like Jesus.  I want to love with geniune love. Please teach me Jesus, in your name.  I'm not a very Christian person.  So many areas I don't meet the standards. I don't really know how to get there... (kinda...) I know that I just trust You,  but maybe more I don't know how to trust... You... maybe I do more than I realize.  Maybe I don't.

     God I'd like to get married.  Please draw my heart. In Jesus' name. Amen.


Thursday Nov. 23, 2000

Dear God,

     What are Your highest standards for me?  Am I called to stay pretty much from make-up?  Maybe I will talk to Mrs. M- about it.  My Dad thinks it's ok to wear, for me.  I'm not so sure.  It's made an impression on me that K- is going to get rid of her earrings- I guess I won't get earrings, for now...

    I'd feel like I would compromise if I got earrings. I won't  get earrings.  I feel that You don't want me to wear the nail polish I'm wearing on my nails.  Please lead me and help me not to be overly conscientious.

     I think I want to be a "kingdom person."  Lead me Jesus.  am I called to be an Evangelist?  Please confirm it.  I know I'm called, but I have doubts.  What do You want me to do this summer?  I'd like to go on a mission trip to Russia with Youth With a Mission, or I could go to Indianapolis and help out at the Russian Orphanage or stay home and help my mom with the Foster care kid stuff.  Or maybe You have something else in mind.  Thy will be done.

     Good night God, I love You, guys (is that too human?) okay I love You :)

                                                                                     In Jesus name Amen. :)

Tuesday Nov. 21, 2000

At home in Virginia

Dear God,

     Here I am. Tired, blue and questioning.  I got inspired to journal this evening from a guidepost article.  What's wrong with me right now?  Am I pmsing?  I think I may be.  K- and I went shopping today.  Am I suppose to pray about everything I might buy?  I don't like getting "overly conscientious" and sometimes I'd say my conscientiousness is good.

     Know what?  I'd like to go on the mission trip to Russia through YWAM this summer. God what are your plans for my life?  How much am I suppose to follow of Bible School teaching... and history?  In the older days Mr. Sandford or at least the movement as a whole was against wearing make-up 'cause it was worldly.  What am I suppose to do? I come home (here) and feel more relaxed about it though.  I wish I was happier and more "chatty" but I'm not very cheerful, I'm more kinda gloomy.  K-'s here and I'm kinda uptight around her.  I want to learn how to love people, but I think I want to learn through visible example, not finding out myself or thinking ways up myself how to do it.

     Since going to Bible School You seem different to me, more austere and stuff. How much is real and applicable today?  I'm ready for another class in a way.  I think I'm happier Fairwood than at home, I don't get tons of joy being around myself and helping myself.  I do enjoy it sometimes :)  but like I feel like I get into apathy and dependence and lazy spirit when I'm at home.  I don't even have much desire to help.  If I did more to help I'd probably be happier.  I like living a luxious life but I think I'd be happier in doing more.

     I like the way that Fairwood standards seem more clearcut and further away from the world's standards, but the more relaxed, lower standard is more to my taste.  I feel like I need to talk to dad about this.  I get confused.  What is it You want from me?  The Best there is.

     I think I may go to bed soon. I love You, Jesus, good night... In Jesus' name amen.


Friday, June 28, 2013

Thursday Nov. 16, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel lonely and sad. Sadness is probably the loneliness.  I don't exactly feel "close" to anyone my age at this time in life.  I wonder if I'll ever be close to anyone the way I want to be, I think I will in marriage... but who knows.  Help me to be able to be open to You in my journal, please.

     We're studying Kingdom History and it gives me questions.  I don't feel like asking questions tonight.  I feel like I don't know You.  It's scary.  Maybe I'll get into it sometime.

     God,  you know with B-, I don't even feel that close to her.  I kinda feel like I need to find myself.  Help me to find myself.   I make up a facade as I go along sometimes. I want to remove my mask and find who I am.  I do and don't know me... kinda.  I do know myself a lot.  I wish I could learn to be myself, without trying to impress people, in uncomfortable situations.

     Today K- and I put one little clothe rose in each of the guys mail-boxes because of that story.  The one where a man gets to know a lady through correspondence (first gets to know her from a book with her address in it, he liked her thoughtful comments of the book.)  They write for many months and then they set up a time to meet.  He was going to know who she was by her red rose in her lapel.

     A lady comes his way, she is beautiful and young, she doesn't have a rose in her lapel though.  A lady right behind her, older and matronly, has a red rose in her lapel.  He gets disappointed.  Then the matronly lady tells him to go meet the girl in a restaurant because the young lady was the one he had been waiting for.

     She had just given the old lady the rose to test this man, to see if he was made of finer stuff than a man just going after a pretty person for her looks.  It's a really neat story.  Today our guys went to town with poetry books (the lady with the supposed rose would know who "he" was by a thin blue poetry book.) Think blue ones to find "their" lady with the red rose.  That's why K- and I gave them each a red rose.

     Good night God, I love You.  I wish you were tangible right now... like dad.  In Jesus' name amen.


Oct. 13, 2000

Psalm 65:23 & 24

     "They shall not labor in vain, Nor bring fourth children for trouble;  For they shall be descendants of the blessed of the Lord, and their offspring with them.

     It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer;  and while they are still speaking, I will hear."

     Thank You Jesus!  I give You my faith! I give it to You!  I believe You will work in Matt's life. Thank You, I love You...

                                                                                                    In your name Jesus

Oct. 12, 2000

     Tonight K- and I had a special time of prayer for the Bible School and especially for my brother Matt.

Dear God,

     Thank You for the prayer you gave me tonight and for K-.  I'm sorry for my pride.  Please give me confidence in You working in me.  I love you Jesus.

                                                                                              In your name Jesus,

Wednesday Oct. 8, 2000

Thanx God for the trip home and for what you've given me in Psalm 18: some verses including v. 29-30, 35-42.

v. 30 & 31 "For who is God, except our Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God?  v. 32  It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect... v. 35  You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;  Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great. v. 36  You enlarged my path under me, so my feet did not slip."

v 37.  "I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them (in Jesus' name); Neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed.  v. 38  I have wounded them, so that they could not rise;  They have fallen under my feet.  v. 39 For You have armed me with strength for the battle..."

Sunday Nov. 5, 2000

John 14:21

     "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself unto him."

     You have manifested yourself to me! I love You Jesus.

v. 23  "... If a man love me, he will keep my word: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him."

v. 26  "... the Holy Spirit... he shall teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said unto you."


Friday Nov. 3, 2000

Dear God,

     Please guide me into the person You want me to be.  Help me to love people like You did.  Help my prayers not to be just "words" and no real prayer.

     I don't exactly feel joy and a peace I wish I had.  I am tired though and kinda confused (at least was kinda confused.)

     I love You Jesus. I need to talk to You more.

     There's someone here I like and I don't feel like I'd actually marry him.  I look down on wordliness in other people's lives to an extent... You know what I mean.

     I wonder if my spiritual gift is a prophet.

     I want to really get close to You Jesus. Love ya,  Good night.

p.s.  Tomorrow we're going to the "Contagious Christian Conference" in J-.  It's from 9 to 4. I'm getting up around 7:45 am maybe, around.

     I know Jesus you're an exacting God, but You are not a tyrant.  Please give me something, well seems like you have, in a Father.  Father is a good allegory to who you are.  An exacting person, but with a love and a tenderness.  You expect obedience and punish rebellion like a father should.  But you love us and accept us like we are.  Even if we turn from You, You still love us.  You're always watching to see if we'll come home.

                                                                                                Good Night :)

                                                                                                 Love, Marie

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Monday Oct. 30, 2000

Dear God,

     Thanx for today. :)  It was a good, good day in how it ended. I went on a really nice walk with Matt.  Thanx for giving him to us.  I really love him. I'm glad! he's here.  I'm thankful God that he didn't leave.  Please work into me everything You want in me Jesus.  I really want to know you Jesus. Help me to get a clearer and clearer picture of who You truly are.

     Thanx so much for A. and K.  Thanx for R. and M.  I'm thankful for these girls.  I think my love tank is kinda low.  Please help it to get overflowing tomorrow. I think I need more physical touch.

     I miss Mom and Dad, thanx so much for them.  They're dear to my heart. You are so awesome.  Why did I get so many awesome things... so I can share with people that haven't experienced the same kind of love, hopefully and it seems to be orphans.  Lead me about that God. In the name of Jesus help me please.  I'm not feeling tops.  My throat feels weird, kinda numb.

     I need to get to sleep. I love You God and Jesus, in Jesus' name Amen.

                                                                                                      Love, Marie

Study Hour- Oct. 26th, 2000

A neat quote:

     "The guest within told me that He was in all experiences of life.  Making them all work together for my good, if I would love Him, have confidence in Him and let Him mold me. He said I need have no responsibility whatever, but simply respond to his movings, to his Providences, and to His written word.  he would open the scriptures to me, by fiery trials write them in the very fibre of my life, and be my endurance while in the furnace."

                                                                                     -F.W. Sandford

Oct. 26, 2000

Dear God,

     I kinda wish I weren't here.  It confuses me.  We're studying Kingdom history.  I want everything You have for me even if it does include "The Kingdom...

     I feel bugged!  ...................says things that bug me, like mentioning people's names that backslid.

     There's a lot of good. Help me not to get so perturbed. I don't get what's good.  Help me God to be what YOU want me to BE! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!  I want to find myself in You. I'm afraid I might find myself in You heavily based on Kingdom teachings...while I was writing it, it didn't seem so bad.  One thing that doesn't seem right is the seemingly following of Mr. Sandford.  God gave it to Mr. Sandford. Mr. S. was an instrument. Help me.

     You see where I'm faulty too, please give me peace about everything... I believe You will give me peace, cause I believe You will, that I have peace about what my life (values and spiritual set of soul) is. Thank You God, in Jesus' name Amen.

Monday Oct. 23, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel really yucky right now. I"m worried and confused about what I kinda think You want, but I'm not sure.  Please help me Jesus.  I call on You, Jesus.  

     Please give me light and if You are directing me a certain way please give me a good attitude and feelings to accept it. I love You Jesus.  I feel like that is one thing I can hold onto when I write to You.  When I journal it's to You, alot and for myself.  If I wasn't writing to You I may not have written so much.

     Please just guide me. Coming here and hearing talk and then talking to someone else confuses me.  You are not a God of confusion, please give me light!

     Ahh! I need to go to bed. Be with me tonight Jesus....bless tomorrow.  Please give me peace right now, in Your name Jesus, Amen.


Monday Oct. 16th, 2000

Dear Jesus,

     Thanx for the girls here, especially A.  Thanks for K. and R. too. We had a "hallway talk" this evening. M. was in her room for the night.
     "Every good and perfect gift comes from above..."

     -this evening was one of those gifts, thanks so much!  I really liked it. It started out with me and A. talkin', than R. joined, then K. came along.  I love you Jesus. xoxo

                                                                                     In Your name Jesus,

     I really like A. and I can open up to her... it's really nice.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Saturday Oct. 14th, 2000

Dear God,

     I know I'm tired, but I feel confused, or should I say worried about what I should do in my future.  How am I to approach You?  How am I to act?  What is the right way?  Do I always have to listen to those in "authority" to live my life? Do I have to go by "man's rules," from church leaders, bible school leaders for my life?

     I want freedom in certain aspects, Ya know, earrings...but I might, I bet I would feel guilty getting them.  I want Your views and you know waht I mean when I say,  no one else's.  I'm afraid their views are Your views.  Help me to discern what You want for me in my life, about music, clothes, lifestyle... please give me peace about the way You want me to go. Peace- knowing "it's My will for you to go this way." I don't want condemnation.  I feel like I go by what people say with the "highest" most "conservative standards, when maybe it's okay for me to be more "free."

     Please help me Jesus. You seem so obscure... I want You in my  life and relevant to what I'm going through; I want You real in my life. As tangible as You can get to a human without seeing You.  I think I'd, well right now I feel I'd be very frightened to see you.  For me to give you to other people I need to know and heart love you more. You know for me to fulfill my ministry with satisfaction. Well in that matter, coming from that to be satisfied/should I say more satisfied.

     I "know" so much but I want a heart knowing and accepting and loving.  A spirit, heart understanding and  loving and knowing.  I don't want to accept things because I hear them so much, I want to accept things because You let me know, that THIS is what you have for me.  I kinda feel that I barely know you, but then I feel I know You at least some.  I want to know You more as a personal friend than as an idea or an "official" person, an authority figure.  I do love You Jesus. I want to know You more.

                                                                                       In Your name Jesus

Thursday Oct.12, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel unhappy... I feel ahhugh!  It came on because of reading in the Bible about selling all that "you" have and part maybe 'cause of covetousness, and about storing your treasure, where your treasure is there is your heart also. Do you want me to sell my pink matrushka?  It bugs me.  It's either conviction or condemnation.  Please help me to be guided.  I want your guidance.

     Help me not to be too uptight either, I love You Jesus, in your name Amen.

Tuesday Oct. 3, 2000

Dear God,

     I have a question or a few.  I have felt called to be an evangelist.  Have I fufilled my ministry in time, like "you will be an evangelist for 3 years?"  Or am I called my whole life?  Because of N.S.'s sermon on Sunday, "It won't be long now."  I wonder, what does this mean, "It won't be long now?"  It scares me, the concept.  I think that it won't e long for You to come back i.e. rapture.

     If I'm supposed to be an evangelist, why am I here?  Is the end of this year going to be the greatest harvest of souls the world has ever seen?  I feel I'm off in the corner. Out of the picture.  You have a reason for me to be here. Help me to see it, if You want me to.  Have I done anything to get kicked out of the "race," have I misinterpreted my call? Lead me and guide me Jesus, I acknowledge You in this.  "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct Your paths."

     I have thought that America would get another revival... I feel like You gave it to me.

     I kinda figured it out.[the previous sentence literally makes me laugh now-in 2013, I have it figured out!? what?!]  O.K. three years of Bible School.  Two years of college, one year of ministry... then nuclear holocaust or something drastic.  I know this is what "man" has kinda figured out.  You have Your own time tables... I shouldn't worry God, I feel like I have so much figured out, but for real i don't...for sure.

     I give you these worries and concerns. Lead me, guide me... I acknowledge You. Cause me Jesus to stay in You.  Please give me something to know I'm still called to be an evangelist and that I'm still in the fight, even though I feel I'm on the sidelines. Thanx for listening, I love You, Jesus!  In Your name Jesus, Amen.

Is. 55:8-11

     "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, And my thoughts than your thoughts.

     For as the rain comes down and the snow form heaven, and do not return there, But water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seen to the sower and bread to the eater.

     So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth, it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Peace...Through Your will

I wondered why I was where I was
I looked to you for answers and You gave me peace that I was in your will.
For you are the one who guides my way.

Thank You Lord for guiding me
Thank You Lord for giving me peace (repeat 2x)
...through your will.

For You voiced Your will for my Life.
You promised me that Your words would be fulfilled through me
and you gave me Peace through your will


Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sept. 25, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel upset.  B- just told me something last night that makes me feel this way.  Please give me peace about it, until I can talk with Dad, then please give me peace after that too. I love You... be with me.  I feel betrayed some, and like I'm not as important to someone, my brother M- as someone else is. [as I write out this journal entry I'm also confused and don't understand what's going on.]Thank-you so much that you know what's going on-what I mean, I feel left out!  Why didn't mom and dad tell me?  Be with me. Please help me through this time. In your name Jesus keep all bad feelings away.

     Help me not to defraud...cause me not want to.  I need your protection God... I love You Father. In your name Jesus, amen...

later that day:

Sept. 25th (again)

Dear God,

     I'm tired. Thank-You for today.  Help me through this year at Bible School.  I believe you will.  Help me not to get overly conscientious.

     Give me the love I need. Help me to change so I can love my mom the way I need to, so that I am filling a part of my heart that seems kinda bare, that is bare.  I want to be close to Mom. It's hard! I need your grace and guidance! I love You.

     There's so much that's good here, but I just feel like I don't like certain things, like I have to be pushed into a certain mold about dress and makeup.  Give me your feelings and thoughts, Jesus... my feelings are so confusing... My feelings of "condemnation" tell me I don't even know who you are, I don't for sure-I do believe I know You, I want to know You so much more, the heart of You, Your heart whatever that may mean.  I don't want to be hindered by rules, or condemnation from rules, spoken and unspoken.

     Jesus, I want to know You, Jesus! I! WANT! TO! KNOW! YOU! ONLY YOU CAN FILL MY heart and make me realize my destiny and rise above myself to fulfill Your will and be satisfied with my life. (the bolded part feels like church rhetoric.)  I want to stay away from that cause it is burdensome to me.  Like "Be good, cause Your a christian."

     I want to fall in Love with You Jesus... I'm tired of so much living for others, and putting on a show!  I want FREEDOM! in my life Jesus... I want it. I want to be Free in You!  Please, not tied up with being conscientious, and other people's rules.  Please give me a breakthrough to You, whatever it is... I do not feel fulfilled. Cause me to find You.  One reason, the reason I'm going after You is because You are pursuing my heart,  you are pursing me... Thank You... I give you me... help me to feel and know-truly know my worth in You, Jesus. I feel I need "words of affirmation" from others to feel like I'm worth something.

     Fulfill my needs in Your way Jesus, in your time.  I believe you will... You see my heart, You know and love me, I don't know if I've ever felt, well I have but to know that deep, deep feeling of knowing that You love me, that stays with a person, I don't' think I've connected with that. I ask You to give that to me... Your will be done... I feel worthless, like a worm... please build me up without me having pride, You know my needs- You'll do what I truly need. Thank-You Jesus. I Love You.  In your name, Jesus. Amen.

                                                                                                        Your Marie


Sept. 24, 2000

Dear God,

     Thanks for today. Help me not to jump to conclusions. Bless today.

                                                                                             In your name Jesus,

     Today is a misty day. The seven year feast starts today. Mom, Dad A- and K- are coming here Wednesday.

     Last night the girls and some guys and a staff member went to a church to help out with a meal.  The money proceeds are going to help out a prison ministry T.S. is involved with.

     We got to wait tables, pour water, bring around salad and beef straganof, desert and coffee. It was fun. I'd like to do it again, like next year when they do it again.  Actually the guys didn't' wait tables much.  They were mostly in the kitchen preparing the food to be passed out.

     On the way home A- gave me and R- long back rubs.  Then I gave A- a back rub too.  It was cool. A "bonding" time.

Friday Sept. 22nd, 2000

     I feel God gave me this from Proverbs 22, applying to Bible School.

Prov. 22:17-21

     "Incline your hear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge; For it is a pleasant thing if you keep them within you; let them all be fixed upon your lips, So that your trust may be in the Lord; I have instructed you today, even you.  

     Have I not written to you excellent things of counsels and knowledge, That I may make you know the certainty of the words of truth, That you may answer words of trust to those who send you?"

v. 28  "Do not remove the ancient landmark which your fathers set."

Sept. 19th and 21st, 2000

Tues. Sept. 19th, 2000

Habakkuk 3:19

     "The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills."

Thurs. Sept. 21st, 2000

Phil.  4:8

    "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praise-worthy- meditate on these things."

Monday Sept. 18th, 2000

     Tonight my brother M- helped me do the floor in the kitchen!  He helped me sweep and mop them...well I did make him a huge cookie too... but he didn't have too.  It's still a blessing to me.

     Thank-You God for my brother.


Saturday Sept. 16, 2000

Proverbs 16:3

     "Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established."

     I've been having alot of trouble with my thoughts lately and this verse is AWESOME.  Thank-You Jesus.

v. 6 " the fear of the Lord one departs from evil."

Friday Sept. 15, 2000

    Tonight is Sabbath.  I'm glad it is-I need to catch up on sleep.

Dear God,

     Thank-You for today. I love you. I want to ride the white spiritual horse!  I want your power in my life through prayer and just living-especially in witnessing and probably the same amount as in prayer.  I want to give you my all.  In your name Jesus I give you my all.  Help me to give you me-and be free also, know what I mean.

     Help me to also not have a dating "spirit", I don't want one, I need your help not to get distracted by crushes.  Please help me.  Cause me to fight those feelings in Your name, Jesus.  Thanx bunches for this group of girls... I like them all.  Bring more here this year.  I love You Jesus, I really want to get to know You in my heart.

     My goal (at least one) is to get the heart of Jesus as my heart this year.  I want your will also in my life.  I think I feel my devotion times aren't very good.  probably need to have more time. I give this to You, lead me and help me not to feel condemned. If you want me to get up earlier during "school" mornings help me to want to. Good night Jesus and God, love you.

                                                                                            In Your name Jesus

                                                                                                  Marie P.

Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2000

Dear God,

     I'm not very happy here.  I love You.  I wish I had someone here to talk to like my Dad... I feel sad, comes with the territory for awhile, I know. I hope this year is a good year.  K-had a hard year last year.

     There's only five girls here. Help me to get really close to some of them if not all of them. I make a commitment to read some Bible every day of my life. I want to have a good quiet time with you every day.  Tomorrow I'll start. T- was here so it was harder. Man, (well your God :)) I'm tired. Bless tomorrow. Help me to have a really good day connected to you. Please provide some face wash. I love you. Thank you for today and the "little" special things that happened.

     I crave companionship. I know you'll provide and have provided it just takes me awhile to adapt to "new" people. Love you.  Please keep me in Your peace and guard and protect me tonight. I love you and I really want to know You more Jesus :)  In your name Jesus, Amen. xoxo

Monday, Sept. 11, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel blue-not very happy at all. I think I need to give it time. I'm not that bad. For one thing I'm really tired!  T- came in last night around 11:30 I believe and we stayed up talking past 1:30. I'm really tired. Help me with my thoughts-not to get distracted! Love ya-in your name Jesus amen.

                                                                                                -Marie <3

Sept. 9th, 2000

My first year of Bible School Journal

I am here at Bible School. Matt and I traveled up today. We left home somewhere around noon and got here 9:00-10:00.  I haven't exactly moved into my room yet. I have Mindy's old room. I wish I had known her more.

Dear God,

    Thanx for getting us here. Help me this year. Keep me focused. This is going to be interesting.  I'm looking forward (pretty much) to this :). Thank-you.  Help me not to have any doubts-plus I'm really tired.  I love you Jesus-good night.

                                                                     Love Marie
                                                                     In your name Jesus, amen.

p.s. Bible school starts tomorrow. :) (hummm)

Is. 55:1-2

    Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and you wo have no money, come, buy and eat. Yes...without money and without price...Why do you spend money...forwhat does not satisfy? Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and let your sould delight intself in abundance.

v. 6 " the Lord while he may be found, call upon Him whiile He is near.

v. 8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," says the Lord.
        For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts...."

through verse 11

[Thank you Jesus! You will complete your work in me... I don't have to and I can't trust in myself! You will fufill the ministry You have called me to through me and by molding me with your word and through your spoken word.  Thank you. I love you.]


     I have journaled for years.   I just got out of my chair at my black writing desk, the one in front of my window, and counted how many I have. I counted thirty-one dusty journals.  (It's quite possible I have a few more back at my parents house.)

     I remember one of my first journals. I was a kid then,  I made my journal out of this strange sized pink paper.  The paper was a long rectangle. I folded the paper in half and sewed down the center crease with white thread.  I remember reading it when I was a bit older. It was embarrassing. I wrote about my developing body.  Wow! the things that I would write and agonize over, like boys. Oh the pages I filled writing about boys!

     I am thirty-one now. The journals that I have with me start in 2000.  

     I don't know how far I will go with this project, since I have thirty-one journals.  That's ALOT of writing.  I want to see how far I will go. It is my desire that young women, teenagers even women past my stage of life will read this and be encouraged.  To be encouraged by my realness and my life.  I see my life as a journey. A coming to know myself more, of walking more and more into wholeness.  

     I am a christian. A big part of who I am, my identity is tied up in being one. I grew up in this sub-culture. I grew up in a very conservative culture.  I was just reading from my first journal today and it was painful to see how uptight I was. Part of my journey has been walking out of and still walking out of legalism.  

     Some of you won't be able to relate but I think many women can relate to "having it all together" being a perfectionist.  Legalism is spiritual perfectionism.  Which is very unhealthy.  We will explore more of that through my writings.  Even though legalism has colored my life alot I still had a very active relationship with God.

     I don't know exactly how I will go about with sharing my journals. I'm thinking I will change some names.  I will leave some stuff out, because it may be very personal.  

     I want to share myself with you.  This is my heart, my struggles, my joys and sorrows.  This is my life.