Monday, June 24, 2013

Saturday Oct. 14th, 2000

Dear God,

     I know I'm tired, but I feel confused, or should I say worried about what I should do in my future.  How am I to approach You?  How am I to act?  What is the right way?  Do I always have to listen to those in "authority" to live my life? Do I have to go by "man's rules," from church leaders, bible school leaders for my life?

     I want freedom in certain aspects, Ya know, earrings...but I might, I bet I would feel guilty getting them.  I want Your views and you know waht I mean when I say,  no one else's.  I'm afraid their views are Your views.  Help me to discern what You want for me in my life, about music, clothes, lifestyle... please give me peace about the way You want me to go. Peace- knowing "it's My will for you to go this way." I don't want condemnation.  I feel like I go by what people say with the "highest" most "conservative standards, when maybe it's okay for me to be more "free."

     Please help me Jesus. You seem so obscure... I want You in my  life and relevant to what I'm going through; I want You real in my life. As tangible as You can get to a human without seeing You.  I think I'd, well right now I feel I'd be very frightened to see you.  For me to give you to other people I need to know and heart love you more. You know for me to fulfill my ministry with satisfaction. Well in that matter, coming from that to be satisfied/should I say more satisfied.

     I "know" so much but I want a heart knowing and accepting and loving.  A spirit, heart understanding and  loving and knowing.  I don't want to accept things because I hear them so much, I want to accept things because You let me know, that THIS is what you have for me.  I kinda feel that I barely know you, but then I feel I know You at least some.  I want to know You more as a personal friend than as an idea or an "official" person, an authority figure.  I do love You Jesus. I want to know You more.

                                                                                       In Your name Jesus


  1. Marie, it's breaking my heart to read your journal! If we ever met in person, we could compare journals and the confusions, longings, doubt, condemnation on even small things and soul searching would be so similar- and all through it, a deep longing for a personal and living connection to Jesus beyond the tangle of thoughts, expectations and rule keeping.

    When I read my old journals, I feel so much sorrow for the younger me and wonder how I got through that time in my life.

    I just wish I could go back in time, or reach through the journal and give you a hug and tell you that I will be your friend.

  2. I was surprised at what I was writing...I think it's good at the point where I am in life to be transposing what I wrote.

    I want people to see the legalism and to move from see what it freakin' does to people :P ahhh!!

    thank you for your comment. Yeah I feel bad for myself too :( I do hear and see my desire for God... I feel like I've gotten more cynical as I've gotten older because of the freaking root of legalism that is such a part of who I am and filters how I think now... workin' on it though.

    Thank you for your comment!