Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sept. 25, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel upset.  B- just told me something last night that makes me feel this way.  Please give me peace about it, until I can talk with Dad, then please give me peace after that too. I love You... be with me.  I feel betrayed some, and like I'm not as important to someone, my brother M- as someone else is. [as I write out this journal entry I'm also confused and don't understand what's going on.]Thank-you so much that you know what's going on-what I mean, I feel left out!  Why didn't mom and dad tell me?  Be with me. Please help me through this time. In your name Jesus keep all bad feelings away.

     Help me not to defraud...cause me not want to.  I need your protection God... I love You Father. In your name Jesus, amen...

later that day:

Sept. 25th (again)

Dear God,

     I'm tired. Thank-You for today.  Help me through this year at Bible School.  I believe you will.  Help me not to get overly conscientious.

     Give me the love I need. Help me to change so I can love my mom the way I need to, so that I am filling a part of my heart that seems kinda bare, that is bare.  I want to be close to Mom. It's hard! I need your grace and guidance! I love You.

     There's so much that's good here, but I just feel like I don't like certain things, like I have to be pushed into a certain mold about dress and makeup.  Give me your feelings and thoughts, Jesus... my feelings are so confusing... My feelings of "condemnation" tell me I don't even know who you are, I don't for sure-I do believe I know You, I want to know You so much more, the heart of You, Your heart whatever that may mean.  I don't want to be hindered by rules, or condemnation from rules, spoken and unspoken.

     Jesus, I want to know You, Jesus! I! WANT! TO! KNOW! YOU! ONLY YOU CAN FILL MY heart and make me realize my destiny and rise above myself to fulfill Your will and be satisfied with my life. (the bolded part feels like church rhetoric.)  I want to stay away from that cause it is burdensome to me.  Like "Be good, cause Your a christian."

     I want to fall in Love with You Jesus... I'm tired of so much living for others, and putting on a show!  I want FREEDOM! in my life Jesus... I want it. I want to be Free in You!  Please, not tied up with being conscientious, and other people's rules.  Please give me a breakthrough to You, whatever it is... I do not feel fulfilled. Cause me to find You.  One reason, the reason I'm going after You is because You are pursuing my heart,  you are pursing me... Thank You... I give you me... help me to feel and know-truly know my worth in You, Jesus. I feel I need "words of affirmation" from others to feel like I'm worth something.

     Fulfill my needs in Your way Jesus, in your time.  I believe you will... You see my heart, You know and love me, I don't know if I've ever felt, well I have but to know that deep, deep feeling of knowing that You love me, that stays with a person, I don't' think I've connected with that. I ask You to give that to me... Your will be done... I feel worthless, like a worm... please build me up without me having pride, You know my needs- You'll do what I truly need. Thank-You Jesus. I Love You.  In your name, Jesus. Amen.

                                                                                                        Your Marie


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