Friday, June 28, 2013

Thursday Nov. 16, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel lonely and sad. Sadness is probably the loneliness.  I don't exactly feel "close" to anyone my age at this time in life.  I wonder if I'll ever be close to anyone the way I want to be, I think I will in marriage... but who knows.  Help me to be able to be open to You in my journal, please.

     We're studying Kingdom History and it gives me questions.  I don't feel like asking questions tonight.  I feel like I don't know You.  It's scary.  Maybe I'll get into it sometime.

     God,  you know with B-, I don't even feel that close to her.  I kinda feel like I need to find myself.  Help me to find myself.   I make up a facade as I go along sometimes. I want to remove my mask and find who I am.  I do and don't know me... kinda.  I do know myself a lot.  I wish I could learn to be myself, without trying to impress people, in uncomfortable situations.

     Today K- and I put one little clothe rose in each of the guys mail-boxes because of that story.  The one where a man gets to know a lady through correspondence (first gets to know her from a book with her address in it, he liked her thoughtful comments of the book.)  They write for many months and then they set up a time to meet.  He was going to know who she was by her red rose in her lapel.

     A lady comes his way, she is beautiful and young, she doesn't have a rose in her lapel though.  A lady right behind her, older and matronly, has a red rose in her lapel.  He gets disappointed.  Then the matronly lady tells him to go meet the girl in a restaurant because the young lady was the one he had been waiting for.

     She had just given the old lady the rose to test this man, to see if he was made of finer stuff than a man just going after a pretty person for her looks.  It's a really neat story.  Today our guys went to town with poetry books (the lady with the supposed rose would know who "he" was by a thin blue poetry book.) Think blue ones to find "their" lady with the red rose.  That's why K- and I gave them each a red rose.

     Good night God, I love You.  I wish you were tangible right now... like dad.  In Jesus' name amen.


Oct. 13, 2000

Psalm 65:23 & 24

     "They shall not labor in vain, Nor bring fourth children for trouble;  For they shall be descendants of the blessed of the Lord, and their offspring with them.

     It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer;  and while they are still speaking, I will hear."

     Thank You Jesus!  I give You my faith! I give it to You!  I believe You will work in Matt's life. Thank You, I love You...

                                                                                                    In your name Jesus

Oct. 12, 2000

     Tonight K- and I had a special time of prayer for the Bible School and especially for my brother Matt.

Dear God,

     Thank You for the prayer you gave me tonight and for K-.  I'm sorry for my pride.  Please give me confidence in You working in me.  I love you Jesus.

                                                                                              In your name Jesus,

Wednesday Oct. 8, 2000

Thanx God for the trip home and for what you've given me in Psalm 18: some verses including v. 29-30, 35-42.

v. 30 & 31 "For who is God, except our Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God?  v. 32  It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect... v. 35  You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;  Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great. v. 36  You enlarged my path under me, so my feet did not slip."

v 37.  "I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them (in Jesus' name); Neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed.  v. 38  I have wounded them, so that they could not rise;  They have fallen under my feet.  v. 39 For You have armed me with strength for the battle..."

Sunday Nov. 5, 2000

John 14:21

     "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself unto him."

     You have manifested yourself to me! I love You Jesus.

v. 23  "... If a man love me, he will keep my word: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him."

v. 26  "... the Holy Spirit... he shall teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said unto you."


Friday Nov. 3, 2000

Dear God,

     Please guide me into the person You want me to be.  Help me to love people like You did.  Help my prayers not to be just "words" and no real prayer.

     I don't exactly feel joy and a peace I wish I had.  I am tired though and kinda confused (at least was kinda confused.)

     I love You Jesus. I need to talk to You more.

     There's someone here I like and I don't feel like I'd actually marry him.  I look down on wordliness in other people's lives to an extent... You know what I mean.

     I wonder if my spiritual gift is a prophet.

     I want to really get close to You Jesus. Love ya,  Good night.

p.s.  Tomorrow we're going to the "Contagious Christian Conference" in J-.  It's from 9 to 4. I'm getting up around 7:45 am maybe, around.

     I know Jesus you're an exacting God, but You are not a tyrant.  Please give me something, well seems like you have, in a Father.  Father is a good allegory to who you are.  An exacting person, but with a love and a tenderness.  You expect obedience and punish rebellion like a father should.  But you love us and accept us like we are.  Even if we turn from You, You still love us.  You're always watching to see if we'll come home.

                                                                                                Good Night :)

                                                                                                 Love, Marie

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Monday Oct. 30, 2000

Dear God,

     Thanx for today. :)  It was a good, good day in how it ended. I went on a really nice walk with Matt.  Thanx for giving him to us.  I really love him. I'm glad! he's here.  I'm thankful God that he didn't leave.  Please work into me everything You want in me Jesus.  I really want to know you Jesus. Help me to get a clearer and clearer picture of who You truly are.

     Thanx so much for A. and K.  Thanx for R. and M.  I'm thankful for these girls.  I think my love tank is kinda low.  Please help it to get overflowing tomorrow. I think I need more physical touch.

     I miss Mom and Dad, thanx so much for them.  They're dear to my heart. You are so awesome.  Why did I get so many awesome things... so I can share with people that haven't experienced the same kind of love, hopefully and it seems to be orphans.  Lead me about that God. In the name of Jesus help me please.  I'm not feeling tops.  My throat feels weird, kinda numb.

     I need to get to sleep. I love You God and Jesus, in Jesus' name Amen.

                                                                                                      Love, Marie

Study Hour- Oct. 26th, 2000

A neat quote:

     "The guest within told me that He was in all experiences of life.  Making them all work together for my good, if I would love Him, have confidence in Him and let Him mold me. He said I need have no responsibility whatever, but simply respond to his movings, to his Providences, and to His written word.  he would open the scriptures to me, by fiery trials write them in the very fibre of my life, and be my endurance while in the furnace."

                                                                                     -F.W. Sandford

Oct. 26, 2000

Dear God,

     I kinda wish I weren't here.  It confuses me.  We're studying Kingdom history.  I want everything You have for me even if it does include "The Kingdom...

     I feel bugged!  ...................says things that bug me, like mentioning people's names that backslid.

     There's a lot of good. Help me not to get so perturbed. I don't get what's good.  Help me God to be what YOU want me to BE! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!  I want to find myself in You. I'm afraid I might find myself in You heavily based on Kingdom teachings...while I was writing it, it didn't seem so bad.  One thing that doesn't seem right is the seemingly following of Mr. Sandford.  God gave it to Mr. Sandford. Mr. S. was an instrument. Help me.

     You see where I'm faulty too, please give me peace about everything... I believe You will give me peace, cause I believe You will, that I have peace about what my life (values and spiritual set of soul) is. Thank You God, in Jesus' name Amen.

Monday Oct. 23, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel really yucky right now. I"m worried and confused about what I kinda think You want, but I'm not sure.  Please help me Jesus.  I call on You, Jesus.  

     Please give me light and if You are directing me a certain way please give me a good attitude and feelings to accept it. I love You Jesus.  I feel like that is one thing I can hold onto when I write to You.  When I journal it's to You, alot and for myself.  If I wasn't writing to You I may not have written so much.

     Please just guide me. Coming here and hearing talk and then talking to someone else confuses me.  You are not a God of confusion, please give me light!

     Ahh! I need to go to bed. Be with me tonight Jesus....bless tomorrow.  Please give me peace right now, in Your name Jesus, Amen.


Monday Oct. 16th, 2000

Dear Jesus,

     Thanx for the girls here, especially A.  Thanks for K. and R. too. We had a "hallway talk" this evening. M. was in her room for the night.
     "Every good and perfect gift comes from above..."

     -this evening was one of those gifts, thanks so much!  I really liked it. It started out with me and A. talkin', than R. joined, then K. came along.  I love you Jesus. xoxo

                                                                                     In Your name Jesus,

     I really like A. and I can open up to her... it's really nice.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Saturday Oct. 14th, 2000

Dear God,

     I know I'm tired, but I feel confused, or should I say worried about what I should do in my future.  How am I to approach You?  How am I to act?  What is the right way?  Do I always have to listen to those in "authority" to live my life? Do I have to go by "man's rules," from church leaders, bible school leaders for my life?

     I want freedom in certain aspects, Ya know, earrings...but I might, I bet I would feel guilty getting them.  I want Your views and you know waht I mean when I say,  no one else's.  I'm afraid their views are Your views.  Help me to discern what You want for me in my life, about music, clothes, lifestyle... please give me peace about the way You want me to go. Peace- knowing "it's My will for you to go this way." I don't want condemnation.  I feel like I go by what people say with the "highest" most "conservative standards, when maybe it's okay for me to be more "free."

     Please help me Jesus. You seem so obscure... I want You in my  life and relevant to what I'm going through; I want You real in my life. As tangible as You can get to a human without seeing You.  I think I'd, well right now I feel I'd be very frightened to see you.  For me to give you to other people I need to know and heart love you more. You know for me to fulfill my ministry with satisfaction. Well in that matter, coming from that to be satisfied/should I say more satisfied.

     I "know" so much but I want a heart knowing and accepting and loving.  A spirit, heart understanding and  loving and knowing.  I don't want to accept things because I hear them so much, I want to accept things because You let me know, that THIS is what you have for me.  I kinda feel that I barely know you, but then I feel I know You at least some.  I want to know You more as a personal friend than as an idea or an "official" person, an authority figure.  I do love You Jesus. I want to know You more.

                                                                                       In Your name Jesus

Thursday Oct.12, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel unhappy... I feel ahhugh!  It came on because of reading in the Bible about selling all that "you" have and part maybe 'cause of covetousness, and about storing your treasure, where your treasure is there is your heart also. Do you want me to sell my pink matrushka?  It bugs me.  It's either conviction or condemnation.  Please help me to be guided.  I want your guidance.

     Help me not to be too uptight either, I love You Jesus, in your name Amen.

Tuesday Oct. 3, 2000

Dear God,

     I have a question or a few.  I have felt called to be an evangelist.  Have I fufilled my ministry in time, like "you will be an evangelist for 3 years?"  Or am I called my whole life?  Because of N.S.'s sermon on Sunday, "It won't be long now."  I wonder, what does this mean, "It won't be long now?"  It scares me, the concept.  I think that it won't e long for You to come back i.e. rapture.

     If I'm supposed to be an evangelist, why am I here?  Is the end of this year going to be the greatest harvest of souls the world has ever seen?  I feel I'm off in the corner. Out of the picture.  You have a reason for me to be here. Help me to see it, if You want me to.  Have I done anything to get kicked out of the "race," have I misinterpreted my call? Lead me and guide me Jesus, I acknowledge You in this.  "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct Your paths."

     I have thought that America would get another revival... I feel like You gave it to me.

     I kinda figured it out.[the previous sentence literally makes me laugh now-in 2013, I have it figured out!? what?!]  O.K. three years of Bible School.  Two years of college, one year of ministry... then nuclear holocaust or something drastic.  I know this is what "man" has kinda figured out.  You have Your own time tables... I shouldn't worry God, I feel like I have so much figured out, but for real i don't...for sure.

     I give you these worries and concerns. Lead me, guide me... I acknowledge You. Cause me Jesus to stay in You.  Please give me something to know I'm still called to be an evangelist and that I'm still in the fight, even though I feel I'm on the sidelines. Thanx for listening, I love You, Jesus!  In Your name Jesus, Amen.

Is. 55:8-11

     "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, And my thoughts than your thoughts.

     For as the rain comes down and the snow form heaven, and do not return there, But water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seen to the sower and bread to the eater.

     So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth, it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Peace...Through Your will

I wondered why I was where I was
I looked to you for answers and You gave me peace that I was in your will.
For you are the one who guides my way.

Thank You Lord for guiding me
Thank You Lord for giving me peace (repeat 2x)
...through your will.

For You voiced Your will for my Life.
You promised me that Your words would be fulfilled through me
and you gave me Peace through your will


Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sept. 25, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel upset.  B- just told me something last night that makes me feel this way.  Please give me peace about it, until I can talk with Dad, then please give me peace after that too. I love You... be with me.  I feel betrayed some, and like I'm not as important to someone, my brother M- as someone else is. [as I write out this journal entry I'm also confused and don't understand what's going on.]Thank-you so much that you know what's going on-what I mean, I feel left out!  Why didn't mom and dad tell me?  Be with me. Please help me through this time. In your name Jesus keep all bad feelings away.

     Help me not to defraud...cause me not want to.  I need your protection God... I love You Father. In your name Jesus, amen...

later that day:

Sept. 25th (again)

Dear God,

     I'm tired. Thank-You for today.  Help me through this year at Bible School.  I believe you will.  Help me not to get overly conscientious.

     Give me the love I need. Help me to change so I can love my mom the way I need to, so that I am filling a part of my heart that seems kinda bare, that is bare.  I want to be close to Mom. It's hard! I need your grace and guidance! I love You.

     There's so much that's good here, but I just feel like I don't like certain things, like I have to be pushed into a certain mold about dress and makeup.  Give me your feelings and thoughts, Jesus... my feelings are so confusing... My feelings of "condemnation" tell me I don't even know who you are, I don't for sure-I do believe I know You, I want to know You so much more, the heart of You, Your heart whatever that may mean.  I don't want to be hindered by rules, or condemnation from rules, spoken and unspoken.

     Jesus, I want to know You, Jesus! I! WANT! TO! KNOW! YOU! ONLY YOU CAN FILL MY heart and make me realize my destiny and rise above myself to fulfill Your will and be satisfied with my life. (the bolded part feels like church rhetoric.)  I want to stay away from that cause it is burdensome to me.  Like "Be good, cause Your a christian."

     I want to fall in Love with You Jesus... I'm tired of so much living for others, and putting on a show!  I want FREEDOM! in my life Jesus... I want it. I want to be Free in You!  Please, not tied up with being conscientious, and other people's rules.  Please give me a breakthrough to You, whatever it is... I do not feel fulfilled. Cause me to find You.  One reason, the reason I'm going after You is because You are pursuing my heart,  you are pursing me... Thank You... I give you me... help me to feel and know-truly know my worth in You, Jesus. I feel I need "words of affirmation" from others to feel like I'm worth something.

     Fulfill my needs in Your way Jesus, in your time.  I believe you will... You see my heart, You know and love me, I don't know if I've ever felt, well I have but to know that deep, deep feeling of knowing that You love me, that stays with a person, I don't' think I've connected with that. I ask You to give that to me... Your will be done... I feel worthless, like a worm... please build me up without me having pride, You know my needs- You'll do what I truly need. Thank-You Jesus. I Love You.  In your name, Jesus. Amen.

                                                                                                        Your Marie


Sept. 24, 2000

Dear God,

     Thanks for today. Help me not to jump to conclusions. Bless today.

                                                                                             In your name Jesus,

     Today is a misty day. The seven year feast starts today. Mom, Dad A- and K- are coming here Wednesday.

     Last night the girls and some guys and a staff member went to a church to help out with a meal.  The money proceeds are going to help out a prison ministry T.S. is involved with.

     We got to wait tables, pour water, bring around salad and beef straganof, desert and coffee. It was fun. I'd like to do it again, like next year when they do it again.  Actually the guys didn't' wait tables much.  They were mostly in the kitchen preparing the food to be passed out.

     On the way home A- gave me and R- long back rubs.  Then I gave A- a back rub too.  It was cool. A "bonding" time.

Friday Sept. 22nd, 2000

     I feel God gave me this from Proverbs 22, applying to Bible School.

Prov. 22:17-21

     "Incline your hear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge; For it is a pleasant thing if you keep them within you; let them all be fixed upon your lips, So that your trust may be in the Lord; I have instructed you today, even you.  

     Have I not written to you excellent things of counsels and knowledge, That I may make you know the certainty of the words of truth, That you may answer words of trust to those who send you?"

v. 28  "Do not remove the ancient landmark which your fathers set."

Sept. 19th and 21st, 2000

Tues. Sept. 19th, 2000

Habakkuk 3:19

     "The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills."

Thurs. Sept. 21st, 2000

Phil.  4:8

    "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praise-worthy- meditate on these things."

Monday Sept. 18th, 2000

     Tonight my brother M- helped me do the floor in the kitchen!  He helped me sweep and mop them...well I did make him a huge cookie too... but he didn't have too.  It's still a blessing to me.

     Thank-You God for my brother.


Saturday Sept. 16, 2000

Proverbs 16:3

     "Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established."

     I've been having alot of trouble with my thoughts lately and this verse is AWESOME.  Thank-You Jesus.

v. 6 " the fear of the Lord one departs from evil."

Friday Sept. 15, 2000

    Tonight is Sabbath.  I'm glad it is-I need to catch up on sleep.

Dear God,

     Thank-You for today. I love you. I want to ride the white spiritual horse!  I want your power in my life through prayer and just living-especially in witnessing and probably the same amount as in prayer.  I want to give you my all.  In your name Jesus I give you my all.  Help me to give you me-and be free also, know what I mean.

     Help me to also not have a dating "spirit", I don't want one, I need your help not to get distracted by crushes.  Please help me.  Cause me to fight those feelings in Your name, Jesus.  Thanx bunches for this group of girls... I like them all.  Bring more here this year.  I love You Jesus, I really want to get to know You in my heart.

     My goal (at least one) is to get the heart of Jesus as my heart this year.  I want your will also in my life.  I think I feel my devotion times aren't very good.  probably need to have more time. I give this to You, lead me and help me not to feel condemned. If you want me to get up earlier during "school" mornings help me to want to. Good night Jesus and God, love you.

                                                                                            In Your name Jesus

                                                                                                  Marie P.

Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2000

Dear God,

     I'm not very happy here.  I love You.  I wish I had someone here to talk to like my Dad... I feel sad, comes with the territory for awhile, I know. I hope this year is a good year.  K-had a hard year last year.

     There's only five girls here. Help me to get really close to some of them if not all of them. I make a commitment to read some Bible every day of my life. I want to have a good quiet time with you every day.  Tomorrow I'll start. T- was here so it was harder. Man, (well your God :)) I'm tired. Bless tomorrow. Help me to have a really good day connected to you. Please provide some face wash. I love you. Thank you for today and the "little" special things that happened.

     I crave companionship. I know you'll provide and have provided it just takes me awhile to adapt to "new" people. Love you.  Please keep me in Your peace and guard and protect me tonight. I love you and I really want to know You more Jesus :)  In your name Jesus, Amen. xoxo

Monday, Sept. 11, 2000

Dear God,

     I feel blue-not very happy at all. I think I need to give it time. I'm not that bad. For one thing I'm really tired!  T- came in last night around 11:30 I believe and we stayed up talking past 1:30. I'm really tired. Help me with my thoughts-not to get distracted! Love ya-in your name Jesus amen.

                                                                                                -Marie <3

Sept. 9th, 2000

My first year of Bible School Journal

I am here at Bible School. Matt and I traveled up today. We left home somewhere around noon and got here 9:00-10:00.  I haven't exactly moved into my room yet. I have Mindy's old room. I wish I had known her more.

Dear God,

    Thanx for getting us here. Help me this year. Keep me focused. This is going to be interesting.  I'm looking forward (pretty much) to this :). Thank-you.  Help me not to have any doubts-plus I'm really tired.  I love you Jesus-good night.

                                                                     Love Marie
                                                                     In your name Jesus, amen.

p.s. Bible school starts tomorrow. :) (hummm)

Is. 55:1-2

    Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and you wo have no money, come, buy and eat. Yes...without money and without price...Why do you spend money...forwhat does not satisfy? Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and let your sould delight intself in abundance.

v. 6 " the Lord while he may be found, call upon Him whiile He is near.

v. 8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," says the Lord.
        For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts...."

through verse 11

[Thank you Jesus! You will complete your work in me... I don't have to and I can't trust in myself! You will fufill the ministry You have called me to through me and by molding me with your word and through your spoken word.  Thank you. I love you.]


     I have journaled for years.   I just got out of my chair at my black writing desk, the one in front of my window, and counted how many I have. I counted thirty-one dusty journals.  (It's quite possible I have a few more back at my parents house.)

     I remember one of my first journals. I was a kid then,  I made my journal out of this strange sized pink paper.  The paper was a long rectangle. I folded the paper in half and sewed down the center crease with white thread.  I remember reading it when I was a bit older. It was embarrassing. I wrote about my developing body.  Wow! the things that I would write and agonize over, like boys. Oh the pages I filled writing about boys!

     I am thirty-one now. The journals that I have with me start in 2000.  

     I don't know how far I will go with this project, since I have thirty-one journals.  That's ALOT of writing.  I want to see how far I will go. It is my desire that young women, teenagers even women past my stage of life will read this and be encouraged.  To be encouraged by my realness and my life.  I see my life as a journey. A coming to know myself more, of walking more and more into wholeness.  

     I am a christian. A big part of who I am, my identity is tied up in being one. I grew up in this sub-culture. I grew up in a very conservative culture.  I was just reading from my first journal today and it was painful to see how uptight I was. Part of my journey has been walking out of and still walking out of legalism.  

     Some of you won't be able to relate but I think many women can relate to "having it all together" being a perfectionist.  Legalism is spiritual perfectionism.  Which is very unhealthy.  We will explore more of that through my writings.  Even though legalism has colored my life alot I still had a very active relationship with God.

     I don't know exactly how I will go about with sharing my journals. I'm thinking I will change some names.  I will leave some stuff out, because it may be very personal.  

     I want to share myself with you.  This is my heart, my struggles, my joys and sorrows.  This is my life.