I feel lonely and sad. Sadness is probably the loneliness. I don't exactly feel "close" to anyone my age at this time in life. I wonder if I'll ever be close to anyone the way I want to be, I think I will in marriage... but who knows. Help me to be able to be open to You in my journal, please.
We're studying Kingdom History and it gives me questions. I don't feel like asking questions tonight. I feel like I don't know You. It's scary. Maybe I'll get into it sometime.
God, you know with B-, I don't even feel that close to her. I kinda feel like I need to find myself. Help me to find myself. I make up a facade as I go along sometimes. I want to remove my mask and find who I am. I do and don't know me... kinda. I do know myself a lot. I wish I could learn to be myself, without trying to impress people, in uncomfortable situations.
Today K- and I put one little clothe rose in each of the guys mail-boxes because of that story. The one where a man gets to know a lady through correspondence (first gets to know her from a book with her address in it, he liked her thoughtful comments of the book.) They write for many months and then they set up a time to meet. He was going to know who she was by her red rose in her lapel.
A lady comes his way, she is beautiful and young, she doesn't have a rose in her lapel though. A lady right behind her, older and matronly, has a red rose in her lapel. He gets disappointed. Then the matronly lady tells him to go meet the girl in a restaurant because the young lady was the one he had been waiting for.
She had just given the old lady the rose to test this man, to see if he was made of finer stuff than a man just going after a pretty person for her looks. It's a really neat story. Today our guys went to town with poetry books (the lady with the supposed rose would know who "he" was by a thin blue poetry book.) Think blue ones to find "their" lady with the red rose. That's why K- and I gave them each a red rose.
Good night God, I love You. I wish you were tangible right now... like dad. In Jesus' name amen.