Saturday, July 6, 2013

Tuesday Nov. 21, 2000

At home in Virginia

Dear God,

     Here I am. Tired, blue and questioning.  I got inspired to journal this evening from a guidepost article.  What's wrong with me right now?  Am I pmsing?  I think I may be.  K- and I went shopping today.  Am I suppose to pray about everything I might buy?  I don't like getting "overly conscientious" and sometimes I'd say my conscientiousness is good.

     Know what?  I'd like to go on the mission trip to Russia through YWAM this summer. God what are your plans for my life?  How much am I suppose to follow of Bible School teaching... and history?  In the older days Mr. Sandford or at least the movement as a whole was against wearing make-up 'cause it was worldly.  What am I suppose to do? I come home (here) and feel more relaxed about it though.  I wish I was happier and more "chatty" but I'm not very cheerful, I'm more kinda gloomy.  K-'s here and I'm kinda uptight around her.  I want to learn how to love people, but I think I want to learn through visible example, not finding out myself or thinking ways up myself how to do it.

     Since going to Bible School You seem different to me, more austere and stuff. How much is real and applicable today?  I'm ready for another class in a way.  I think I'm happier Fairwood than at home, I don't get tons of joy being around myself and helping myself.  I do enjoy it sometimes :)  but like I feel like I get into apathy and dependence and lazy spirit when I'm at home.  I don't even have much desire to help.  If I did more to help I'd probably be happier.  I like living a luxious life but I think I'd be happier in doing more.

     I like the way that Fairwood standards seem more clearcut and further away from the world's standards, but the more relaxed, lower standard is more to my taste.  I feel like I need to talk to dad about this.  I get confused.  What is it You want from me?  The Best there is.

     I think I may go to bed soon. I love You, Jesus, good night... In Jesus' name amen.


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