I am now entering a very painful uncomfortable part in my journal. Those of you who can't relate to legalism may think what I wrote in my journal is ridiculous and stupid. You have to understand legalism. It is sooo focused on small details in a persons life that they are suppose to "Yield to God" and have victory over. It can be hard to have balance in a legalistic culture.
I was reading ahead in my journal, past this last journal entry and it actually made me feel kinda sick. I was a mess :( it's painful to go back there to my past. I really struggled with "stupid" uptight stuff in bible study. It was PAINFUL! I remember telling the Holy Spirit "If this is You, I don't want anything to do with you." In many ways my past still effects me. Legalism crippled me... and it still tethers me.
And I wonder why it is hard for me to hear from God. God still feels legalistic to me. Even though I have experienced His love.... and deep deep inside I know him. But I am still confused... I still do not see him clearly. His face has been marred and monsterfied by my past and my perspective shaped by legalism and fear.
I am afraid to hear from Him, even now. Can you see why?