I am now entering a very painful uncomfortable part in my journal. Those of you who can't relate to legalism may think what I wrote in my journal is ridiculous and stupid. You have to understand legalism. It is sooo focused on small details in a persons life that they are suppose to "Yield to God" and have victory over. It can be hard to have balance in a legalistic culture.
I was reading ahead in my journal, past this last journal entry and it actually made me feel kinda sick. I was a mess :( it's painful to go back there to my past. I really struggled with "stupid" uptight stuff in bible study. It was PAINFUL! I remember telling the Holy Spirit "If this is You, I don't want anything to do with you." In many ways my past still effects me. Legalism crippled me... and it still tethers me.
And I wonder why it is hard for me to hear from God. God still feels legalistic to me. Even though I have experienced His love.... and deep deep inside I know him. But I am still confused... I still do not see him clearly. His face has been marred and monsterfied by my past and my perspective shaped by legalism and fear.
I am afraid to hear from Him, even now. Can you see why?
I do see why and I can relate so much to what you are writing. I know what it is like to agonize over one's every little thought and motivation and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI would agonize over CDs and end up throwing them away and then regret it later, over what I was reading or my posture when I sat or my dreams when I slept or billboards on the road or whatever. It was constant.
For fear of spiritual deception, I tried to analyze everything I thought I heard from Him- I shut my heart right down and tried to live only out of a narrow slice of my thinking- that thinking that was rigidly shaped by the teachings we both grew up under.
For ten years, I blocked His voice out, for fear of what He would say, because of this legalism. But He kept sneaking His grace into my heart.
Opening my heart back into His love and voice was terrifying at first- a lot of intense emotions came out, for one thing and I could only heal slowly. It's been three years that I've been healing. I'm so sorry for everything you have been through and are still going through.
When I read my journals again after fifteen or so years of avoiding them, I felt rather sick to my stomach as well. It was really hard to do but worth it in the end.